Floundering

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Only this isn't quite as cute as that guy.


Blech.  Isn't that navel-gazing, who-am-I-really, insecure line of questioning supposed to slip away with junior high?

Still, that's where I find myself these days, questioning my writing.  And then I pulled out an old mixed CD from high school--how fitting.  Back in those days, music mattered more than anything.  I could live inside a song for days, weeks, playing it over and over and losing myself in the lyrics.

So it only makes sense that a song from way back when would bring me through this funk.  Ladies and gents, I give you Be My Escape by Relient K--my own "aha" version.

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity

Yep.  I've realized lately that neither my blogging voice nor my noveling voice is quite me.  I'm trying to imitate others, which can work to get you started, but it can't be sustained.

I adore blogging as a medium; I devour blogs of all kinds, and I try to make my voice honor them all.  But when their voices and choices conflict, I can't do that without coming across as insincere and...well, flat and lifeless.  And I've had a nagging feeling that while I occasionally write something worthwhile, when I'm writing in my own strength and purpose, I miss the mark.

I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key

Why haven't I turned to the Lord in prayer?  I do this over and over: have problem, try to fix it, dig in harder, get frustrated, try again, realize I haven't consulted--or even shared my plans with--God.

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).  I've read it a million times...will it ever sink in?

I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

My writing style has to change, has to be truer.  But my projects have to change, too.  I'm stuck in a rut with the draft of Sergius Paulus, so I'm tabling it for now.  It's scary to abandon an entire manuscript for a new project in a new genre (mainstream Christian fiction rather than historical Bible fiction), but I'm actually (starting to) pray over this project like I haven't in the past.  So we'll see what the Lord establishes.

As for blogging...you know how people start a blog to learn about a topic?  Like they want to learn to cook with their crockpot every day or lose fifty pounds or dress better, so they start a blog to track the progress and share the things they learn?  My heart has to come from that place--not a place of expertise.  I want to learn how to love people like Jesus does, and I want to share that adventure with whoever's willing to join me.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there

So, there's the lesson: a big serving of humble pie for this girl.  More time on my knees, less time on my high horse.  And definitely a lot more love.

All right, I promise the introspection and high school angst is over, and we'll get back to regularly scheduled programming soon.  Until then, the song really is great; have a listen...